Teach Me A Lesson

I just have a few things on my heart that i would tweet but it just seems like it would be so much easier to write them out...

Let's start with the title....this will be short.  A Robin Thicke "fan" inspired me to do it.... (and my heauxish ways...) anyway...

I'll save the lesson i have to teach myself for last.

First, I have a few questions regarding this past weekend of babysitting.  I am the youngest in all of my groups of friends, except those that include friends that I met my senior year of college...and a few other exceptions too. but... the core groups i feel closest to, i am the baby.  i just wonder if i ever act as childishly and selfishly as my "guest" did this weekend.  Now i know i can be selfish cuz i'm an only child and i can be aggravating but i just wanted to choke her at several points and i loved that my friends would shut her the fuck down.  and talked some sense in her. now i don't think i'm that bad, but she just made me wonder, being the youngest, do i ever actually act that way? and if you felt that that question applied to you, PLEASE ANSWER IT!!!!!

Second,  this isn't a question or realization.  I realized this last year when i was in therapy and just remembered it in the shower.  It kinda explains my current inner feelings (latino life crisis aside).  Most people who have season depression experience it in the winter, when the sun is gone and shit looks gloomy.  I experience it in spring.  When the air of change is in the air.  Lawd know i'm deathly afraid of change for some reason.  Always have been.  But this seasonal depression started happening in high school.  I never had much to fear come the next "season" but change was so frequent and terrifying that i developed it into a bigger thing.  And of course it's always worse on those years where real change is about to occur.  before i graduate.  last year.  this year.  i need to get my ass in grad school. when i know i have another year of that coming up my depression won't be as bad...

Third, and Final.  My lesson.  That I have already "learned" but just don't stick too.  A part of my unhealed daddy issues.  Which is why i said i shouldn't have jumped into a new relationship....hell ANY relationship.  anyway, i'm gonna make this short cuz i'm already tired of typing. but i know good and damn well when i should walk away.  knew with the color. knew what the latino life crisis i just ended.  i just wouldn't walk away.  i feel that people deserve a second chance. but i know they don't deserve them. so i'm gonna stop handing them out. something else i need to do, need to learn to do is to stop shit that i know won't end well before i get hurt.  stop it before i feel the need to give them a second chance because i know how it will end both times. i have to be smarter and less dependent. because i am brilliant and independent when a "man" isn't around.

and i need to have a circle with my sisters to that i may summon what i summon and ask the universe why it won't let me be great....

but i'm out...

s_boo