From my heart to the twitters to my blog:
ok so first thing. i went to african dance today and i loved it. for the past idk how long i haven't been wanting to go cuz it hasn't been making me happy. i will now discuss my theories of it and then go into something else that is lowkey related
first, i do shit that denies me of the things that bring me joy. idky. i guess i feel like i'm not deserving of them cuz i don't be doing what i'm suppose to be doing. or just that i'm not worthy. period. i have worth issues. blame self esteem and daddy issues second, people can easily prevent me from enjoying the things that bring me joy. bad attitudes. bad directions. fake bosses like if i'm not vibing in the place i can't be happy cuz i read off other people energy too much that should explain where i'm coming from and who i'm talkin about anyway...
the next part that's randomly related. like it's bad enough that we have the weight of bringing the next generation into the world next you have to figure out if you wanna pass your genes along to the next generation. genetic defects and all. do you wanna be responsible for inflicting that on someone else. someone you are suppose to love so dearly and i've had this conversation before with my mother. like do i wanna do that. i don't remember if she questioned herself but yea... so i have to say that we get better at addressing the problem with each generations. acknowledging it exist. seeking treatment. seeking non traditional treatment. trying to put preventative measure in place... now lemme connect this all what i'm trying to say is that my child needs to dance. or have something that brings them similar job what my mom did was give me a balance of non traditional treatment that she decided for me, but she also gave me a choice from decided I wanted MY ears pierced when i was 2 or 3 to deciding I wanted to learn french in kindergarten i just have to figure out what my mom did and do it better. because she didn't fail. i only have depression. it could be worse and i can manage it (most the time) by myself which is the only way i really want to deal with it. don't wanna be numbed by drugs. i like seeing shrinks but really i can talk to myself and not provide answers for free. or write the shit out. writing is very therapeutic for me. it's how i deal with my grandmother's death and adapting to college life....by the way i need to work on that story and carla's story. that really is helping me process my daddy issues even if i'm not dealing with them directly i'm finding out what they are i said all this to say, the next generation will be better than this one because i can't live without making that happen that would be like the pinnacle of joy for me. so i'm gonna have to protect and provide. teach and learn. i think i'm gonna quit cuz i can just ramble on this all day
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