Mama Misfit Speaks, vol. 2

-- On Titties

Yup.  Titties.

But first, let me say,

 

Because it's important.  If you do it for 2 years or 2 days, congrats to you!  It's so many people got something to say... I'll get that to later.

Anyways...

Picture me 19 months into my breastfeeding journey (yea bih, 19 months) and I'm so tired of my breasts I don't know what to do.

Well, I do.

I WANT TO RECLAIM OWNERSHIP! Hello.  These are my titties.  Back away.  NO, there are no milks today.  Sorry.  Can't help you.  I would like them to be rubbed without the fear that milk will come exploding out the heauxs.  I would like to sleep all night without leaking.  I would like to sleep all night and not wake up to a tiny person with my nipple in their mouth.  No, you can't touch them just because they're there, small child.  Ouch, NO! DO NOT PINCH MY NIPPLE! No, my dear friend, my boobs are not yours.  I WANT FREE!!

There.  I've vented my frustrations.  Now to dig deeper.

Yes, I'm frustrated. Yes, I'm ready to wean.  NO, she does NOT bite just because she has teeth.  And, NO, that does NOT give you the right to try to judge me about how long I'm giving my child the best nutrition a mother can give.  Breastfeeding is a journey, a process, a relationship.  It's about nutrition as much as it is about bonding and learning self sufficiency and self soothing.  Just not giving her the titty will cause her as much anguish as it will cause me.

Yes, I'm working on decreasing my supply.  Yes, I'm restricting when she can nurse, and for how long soon.  We're still working on the need for mommy and her milks when something happens to sadden or startle her.

Yes, I'm ready to be free.  BUT, I'm not.  This is a very special time for us and I haven't found a way to replace it.  Not that I really need to, but...

Shit,  I'm just confused.

So, I watched the documentary "breastmilk" right?  It made me feel all the feels.  Breastfeeding is hard enough but do have to do it with NO SUPPORT?  No wonder many of these mothers didn't make it that long in their journey.  And the least supportive person around them is their spouse?  Fuck that.  I'll stay single.  Why? Because:

1. My titties are not and will never be YOURS.  I don't care if you like to play with them.  I don't care if you miss them.  I couldn't even give a flying fuck if you're jealous of the baby because, wait for it....., IT'S A BABY!
2. It's not easier.  I prefer popping my boob out at 3 am to having to get up a bottle.  The baby gonna cry any damn way!!  One of us is leaving the bed ANY DAMN WAY!  The bottle is not a quick fix.
3. You think you don't get to feed the baby.  Well hell, how the baby gonna eat while I'm at work.  See, there's this miracle device (that makes me feel like Bessie the cow) that allows to be express my milk.  And put it in one of those bottles you love so damn much.  Here, feed the baby!
4. IF YOU WAKE UP IN THE MIDDLE OF THE NIGHT THINKING YOU'RE HELPING ME BY SNEAKING AND GIVING MY BABY FORMULA I WILL KILL YOU!!! (watch the documentary)

But, I also noticed how few women of color were in the documentary.  (Shoutout to the black mother that breastfed for over a year and was able to donate her milk too!)  Of all the women in my generation in my family, I am the only one to breastfeed.  Why?  Because many of them haven't seen it before.  Because the WIC makes it so easy to just get your formula and move the fuck on. (Although, they are trying to increase the number of their clients that breastfeed by offering better food packages for breastfeeding mothers and free breast pumps)  Because they wanna drink freely, although KellyMom taught me...

I think another reason why we breastfeed at lower numbers is because of residuals from slavery.  I mean, honestly, we had to use our milk to feed Massas babies.  OUR milk!! For OUR babies! There's some dissociation between black women and breastfeeding because of that.  If you Google breastfeeding and slavery, you get pictures of black women nursing white babies.  And this is the reality of what I saw of black women breastfeeding until I became a mother myself.  I didn't think it was something we did.  But because my mom breastfed me I knew it would be would I would do as well.

As I type this, and breastfeed my daughter (AT THE SAME DAMN TIME), I really can't even express all the thoughts I have on the subject.  I feel bad for wanting to wean but I also don't want to...

(she is TOO damn long)

Sigh.

Signed,

Mama Misfit.