Maybe on day i'll build on this. Until then...
smile thru the tears, head to the sky.
can't see my pain, don't know my fears
push thru because i have to
don't have time to care for me
because i have to take care of those around me
sydders
Friday, December 9, 2011
Tuesday, July 19, 2011
Daddy Issues (Part 1)
this is an assignment. i'm suppose to write a letter to my father. but actually write it. i'm too lazy and don't have paper so i'm typing this shit out. it's def a part 1. this ain't a one time process. idk if i'll even be able to scratch the surface with this but i gotta try right? so here goes nothing. a letter 23 years in the making.
Dear daddy,
lemme get all the superficial shit out the way. fuck you. i hate you. i hope you rot in hell.
lemme ask some important questions. where the fuck have you been? do you just not care? am i not good enough?
and now lemme ramble til i don't have shit else to say.
it was really cute how i got my first and last child support check from you the month before i turned 18. showed how much you care. *rolls eyes*
i've gone thru a lot of phases of how i feel about you. i guess it first got serious with me when i was in 7th or 8th grade? but before i even go there i remember making that photo album with my mom for you. don't know why we made it. what made her think to do it. looking back, if i were older i wouldn't give you the satisfaction of ever seeing my face.... how many times had you called my house and made plans to meet me only to renege on them? what went thru your mind when you decided to back down? "oh she don't need me now." "she prolly hates me" both are correct. blatantly. i turned out wonderful without any help from your. many men would be proud to call me their daughter. and what the fuck are you?
in high school i wrote you off completely. fuck you and your existence. didn't want you. didn't need you. i was so bitterly independent of my childhood curiosities of what it would be like to have a father. i was just plan old bitter too. and when i finally "got over" my bitter , i thought i got over you as well. lies and muthafuckin garbage.
my longing to have a father came back in college. when i created carla. carla was the daughter you loved and raised with my mother. named after you. never wanting for anything. no holes in her spirit. no longings. no nothing. she was what i wanted. the spirit i needed. and to make me be at one with carla i gave her my life up until august 29th, 2005. then i killed her parents. i made us even. i gave her my hurt. i made her live the life i feared i would have if my mother had died during the storm and her sister would have been my guardian until i was 18. it would only have been a few short months but... this is why i need to write carla's story.
but dear daddy this is still about you.
for so long i was just bitter and longing and i thought it was just for you. your presence. your love. your acceptance. and it was. is. but i never gave much consideration to the weight your love and acceptance have on me.
i am a child of low self-esteem and depression. i'm a shy big girl who can't express herself thoroughly to someone's face. i'm a backhanded scorpio like that. but i need to learn to open my mouth. and since i can't open my mouth to you, i've decided to open my heart.
i like boys. always have. always will. all girls love attention from boys. i thought i was normal for wanting it. i wasn't that fatherless girl that would open her legs to anyone. nope. cuz it wasn't my legs i was opening. at first it was just my mind. endless mind games. then it was my heart. then i started playing the comeback game. go on and hurt me because i'll come back. you are a man paying attention to me. loving me. caring for me in all the ways my father should have but didn't.
i'm not tryna give the weight of my foolishness to you but damn you have to own some responsibility for it. i'm searching for a love i will never find. and when i get the balls to fight back. to stop playing the comeback game i have to question if i'm hurting someone else because someone else hurt me. not even because that person did. did i decide to try to get myself back at the wrong time? was there another way for me to do that?
that's why i'm starting fresh. dealing with my feelings step by step before i can let another man in my life. i have to get over you before i can get with anyone else. i need to feel love and acceptance from myself. admit i will never get that from you. find peace with myself and you. love myself and you. forgive us both. mostly forgive you i can move the fuck on. i'm not the type to forget either so have to find a way to strip the power of memories from you too. i will never forget that you caused a hole in my life but i'll be damn if i let you stop me from loving again.
as always. the ultimate fuck you from your daughter
s_boo
Dear daddy,
lemme get all the superficial shit out the way. fuck you. i hate you. i hope you rot in hell.
lemme ask some important questions. where the fuck have you been? do you just not care? am i not good enough?
and now lemme ramble til i don't have shit else to say.
it was really cute how i got my first and last child support check from you the month before i turned 18. showed how much you care. *rolls eyes*
i've gone thru a lot of phases of how i feel about you. i guess it first got serious with me when i was in 7th or 8th grade? but before i even go there i remember making that photo album with my mom for you. don't know why we made it. what made her think to do it. looking back, if i were older i wouldn't give you the satisfaction of ever seeing my face.... how many times had you called my house and made plans to meet me only to renege on them? what went thru your mind when you decided to back down? "oh she don't need me now." "she prolly hates me" both are correct. blatantly. i turned out wonderful without any help from your. many men would be proud to call me their daughter. and what the fuck are you?
in high school i wrote you off completely. fuck you and your existence. didn't want you. didn't need you. i was so bitterly independent of my childhood curiosities of what it would be like to have a father. i was just plan old bitter too. and when i finally "got over" my bitter , i thought i got over you as well. lies and muthafuckin garbage.
my longing to have a father came back in college. when i created carla. carla was the daughter you loved and raised with my mother. named after you. never wanting for anything. no holes in her spirit. no longings. no nothing. she was what i wanted. the spirit i needed. and to make me be at one with carla i gave her my life up until august 29th, 2005. then i killed her parents. i made us even. i gave her my hurt. i made her live the life i feared i would have if my mother had died during the storm and her sister would have been my guardian until i was 18. it would only have been a few short months but... this is why i need to write carla's story.
but dear daddy this is still about you.
for so long i was just bitter and longing and i thought it was just for you. your presence. your love. your acceptance. and it was. is. but i never gave much consideration to the weight your love and acceptance have on me.
i am a child of low self-esteem and depression. i'm a shy big girl who can't express herself thoroughly to someone's face. i'm a backhanded scorpio like that. but i need to learn to open my mouth. and since i can't open my mouth to you, i've decided to open my heart.
i like boys. always have. always will. all girls love attention from boys. i thought i was normal for wanting it. i wasn't that fatherless girl that would open her legs to anyone. nope. cuz it wasn't my legs i was opening. at first it was just my mind. endless mind games. then it was my heart. then i started playing the comeback game. go on and hurt me because i'll come back. you are a man paying attention to me. loving me. caring for me in all the ways my father should have but didn't.
i'm not tryna give the weight of my foolishness to you but damn you have to own some responsibility for it. i'm searching for a love i will never find. and when i get the balls to fight back. to stop playing the comeback game i have to question if i'm hurting someone else because someone else hurt me. not even because that person did. did i decide to try to get myself back at the wrong time? was there another way for me to do that?
that's why i'm starting fresh. dealing with my feelings step by step before i can let another man in my life. i have to get over you before i can get with anyone else. i need to feel love and acceptance from myself. admit i will never get that from you. find peace with myself and you. love myself and you. forgive us both. mostly forgive you i can move the fuck on. i'm not the type to forget either so have to find a way to strip the power of memories from you too. i will never forget that you caused a hole in my life but i'll be damn if i let you stop me from loving again.
as always. the ultimate fuck you from your daughter
s_boo
Half baked confessions...
So this blog isn't an assignment, just some shit (that's not extra major) that's on my mind. So here goes..
1.) Borderline bi-polar. the range of emotions i experienced yesterday was beyond ridick. (crying while walking down poydras. laughing hysterically on the streetcar). like i haven't really been thru any extra traumatic shit recently but idk. it may just be me avoiding the obvious or it may just be that genetics are catching up with me. but like my jumeaux say, i ain't going back on no med.
2.) 2011 = 2005. not completely. but the dates are aligned. and i'm feel all kinds of ways about that. my anniversary of my grandmothers death will be monday, august 1st just like it was in 2005. they cut the machines off thursday august 4th. her funeral was monday august 8th. i left for college monday august 15th. monday august 22nd was normal for me. thank god. and we all know what monday august 29th is. i don't think i can take the similarities of the dates. even though they are just anniversaries. i've never had major anniversaries in my life besides these and it's like i'm reliving them. i'm not expecting whoever reads this to understand but i'm afraid of august. terrified.
let's see. what else i got?
3.) i'm not keeping this job once i start my americorps shit. i will not cover my tat to work at an aquarium. i don't wanna sound like i'm above that shit, but i'm above that shit. and it lowkey drives me that i feel that job is beneath me. i think i get what my mother meant now.
4.) i need to write carla story. i had a nice ass dream about it. i want that dream to be real.
5.) recently i been extra in touch with my lesbian side and i don't understand. it's not cuz i'm turned off from men. maybe it's cuz i found the man? idk... so yea confused.
6.) revenge and other people's opinions are very important to me and that could have cost me something it shouldn't have.
7.) i'll be happy with whatever happens. if anything this will help me grow as a person and be more open for the next. and i will always love you for that. opening me up to me and much more. but i'm not letting go that easy.
this is the minor shit i got on me. i got 2 more blogs coming. i got the titles tho. i think they hot. well just one. daddy issues ain't that cute a title but that's one. the other is an open letter to a past and future lover. and that's shit is hot for me....
deuces
1.) Borderline bi-polar. the range of emotions i experienced yesterday was beyond ridick. (crying while walking down poydras. laughing hysterically on the streetcar). like i haven't really been thru any extra traumatic shit recently but idk. it may just be me avoiding the obvious or it may just be that genetics are catching up with me. but like my jumeaux say, i ain't going back on no med.
2.) 2011 = 2005. not completely. but the dates are aligned. and i'm feel all kinds of ways about that. my anniversary of my grandmothers death will be monday, august 1st just like it was in 2005. they cut the machines off thursday august 4th. her funeral was monday august 8th. i left for college monday august 15th. monday august 22nd was normal for me. thank god. and we all know what monday august 29th is. i don't think i can take the similarities of the dates. even though they are just anniversaries. i've never had major anniversaries in my life besides these and it's like i'm reliving them. i'm not expecting whoever reads this to understand but i'm afraid of august. terrified.
let's see. what else i got?
3.) i'm not keeping this job once i start my americorps shit. i will not cover my tat to work at an aquarium. i don't wanna sound like i'm above that shit, but i'm above that shit. and it lowkey drives me that i feel that job is beneath me. i think i get what my mother meant now.
4.) i need to write carla story. i had a nice ass dream about it. i want that dream to be real.
5.) recently i been extra in touch with my lesbian side and i don't understand. it's not cuz i'm turned off from men. maybe it's cuz i found the man? idk... so yea confused.
6.) revenge and other people's opinions are very important to me and that could have cost me something it shouldn't have.
7.) i'll be happy with whatever happens. if anything this will help me grow as a person and be more open for the next. and i will always love you for that. opening me up to me and much more. but i'm not letting go that easy.
this is the minor shit i got on me. i got 2 more blogs coming. i got the titles tho. i think they hot. well just one. daddy issues ain't that cute a title but that's one. the other is an open letter to a past and future lover. and that's shit is hot for me....
deuces
Tuesday, June 28, 2011
How to find me...
I'm locked inside a ring box,
luxuriating in it's blue plush cushion.
I keep myself locked in a comfortable dark hole,
but he knows how to find me.
In the blue box you're ballerina dances on,
that's where you'll find me.
Another barrier between me and the world.
Another lock on my heart.
You can't hurt me if you can't find me.
In a treasure chest at the bottom of the sea,
forever lost in a shipwreck.
In a mass grave on top a hill,
buried under a concrete slab.
Locked and chained,
and you will never find the key.
I wanna let you into my soul,
but I have to protect me.
Don't know when my walls first came up,
but I don't know how to let them down.
If I can protect myself from pain forever,
I would. Love not needed. I came in this world alone.
Waves of bitterness prevent my growth,
but a longing for something bigger than I know
keeps me peeping out my shell.
Forever curious of the world outside.
So...um...yea... this was kind of an assignment for me. Write about my walls and how I bury myself from reality to escape having to deal with it. This is me beginning to break out my shell. Lawd knows I never let anyone read my shit. I feel like I've only let at max 10 people read something I wrote that wasn't an assignment. So this is me breaking that. Putting myself out there on the interwebs. Don't really give a fuck what you think cuz I'm doing this for me but I guess feedback is always appreciated.
luxuriating in it's blue plush cushion.
I keep myself locked in a comfortable dark hole,
but he knows how to find me.
In the blue box you're ballerina dances on,
that's where you'll find me.
Another barrier between me and the world.
Another lock on my heart.
You can't hurt me if you can't find me.
In a treasure chest at the bottom of the sea,
forever lost in a shipwreck.
In a mass grave on top a hill,
buried under a concrete slab.
Locked and chained,
and you will never find the key.
I wanna let you into my soul,
but I have to protect me.
Don't know when my walls first came up,
but I don't know how to let them down.
If I can protect myself from pain forever,
I would. Love not needed. I came in this world alone.
Waves of bitterness prevent my growth,
but a longing for something bigger than I know
keeps me peeping out my shell.
Forever curious of the world outside.
So...um...yea... this was kind of an assignment for me. Write about my walls and how I bury myself from reality to escape having to deal with it. This is me beginning to break out my shell. Lawd knows I never let anyone read my shit. I feel like I've only let at max 10 people read something I wrote that wasn't an assignment. So this is me breaking that. Putting myself out there on the interwebs. Don't really give a fuck what you think cuz I'm doing this for me but I guess feedback is always appreciated.
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