Daddy Issues (Part 1)

this is an assignment. i'm suppose to write a letter to my father. but actually write it. i'm too lazy and don't have paper so i'm typing this shit out. it's def a part 1. this ain't a one time process. idk if i'll even be able to scratch the surface with this but i gotta try right? so here goes nothing. a letter 23 years in the making.

Dear daddy,

lemme get all the superficial shit out the way. fuck you. i hate you. i hope you rot in hell.

lemme ask some important questions. where the fuck have you been? do you just not care? am i not good enough?

and now lemme ramble til i don't have shit else to say.

it was really cute how i got my first and last child support check from you the month before i turned 18. showed how much you care. *rolls eyes*

i've gone thru a lot of phases of how i feel about you. i guess it first got serious with me when i was in 7th or 8th grade? but before i even go there i remember making that photo album with my mom for you. don't know why we made it. what made her think to do it. looking back, if i were older i wouldn't give you the satisfaction of ever seeing my face.... how many times had you called my house and made plans to meet me only to renege on them? what went thru your mind when you decided to back down? "oh she don't need me now." "she prolly hates me" both are correct. blatantly. i turned out wonderful without any help from your. many men would be proud to call me their daughter. and what the fuck are you?

in high school i wrote you off completely. fuck you and your existence. didn't want you. didn't need you.  i was so bitterly independent of my childhood curiosities of what it would be like to have a father. i was just plan old bitter too. and when i finally "got over" my bitter , i thought i got over you as well. lies and muthafuckin garbage.

my longing to have a father came back in college. when i created carla. carla was the daughter you loved and raised with my mother. named after you. never wanting for anything. no holes in her spirit. no longings. no nothing. she was what i wanted. the spirit i needed. and to make me be at one with carla i gave her my life up until august 29th, 2005. then i killed her parents. i made us even. i gave her my hurt. i made her live the life i feared i would have if my mother had died during the storm and her sister would have been my guardian until i was 18.  it would only have been a few short months but... this is why i need to write carla's story.

but dear daddy this is still about you.

for so long i was just bitter and longing and i thought it was just for you. your presence. your love. your acceptance. and it was. is. but i never gave much consideration to the weight your love and acceptance have on me.

i am a child of low self-esteem and depression. i'm a shy big girl who can't express herself thoroughly to someone's face. i'm a backhanded scorpio like that. but i need to learn to open my mouth. and since i can't open my mouth to you, i've decided to open my heart.

i like boys. always have. always will. all girls love attention from boys. i thought i was normal for wanting it. i wasn't that fatherless girl that would open her legs to anyone. nope. cuz it wasn't my legs i was opening. at first it was just my mind. endless mind games. then it was my heart. then i started playing the comeback game. go on and hurt me because i'll come back. you are a man paying attention to me. loving me. caring for me in all the ways my father should have but didn't.

i'm not tryna give the weight of my foolishness to you but damn you have to own some responsibility for it. i'm searching for a love i will never find. and when i get the balls to fight back. to stop playing the comeback game i have to question if i'm hurting someone else because someone else hurt me. not even because that person did. did i decide to try to get myself back at the wrong time? was there another way for me to do that?

that's why i'm starting fresh. dealing with my feelings step by step before i can let another man in my life. i have to get over you before i can get with anyone else. i need to feel love and acceptance from myself. admit i will never get that from you. find peace with myself and you. love myself and you. forgive us both. mostly forgive you i can move the fuck on. i'm not the type to forget either so have to find a way to strip the power of memories from you too. i will never forget that you caused a hole in my life but i'll be damn if i let you stop me from loving again.

as always. the ultimate fuck you from your daughter

s_boo