The Carla Jones Project (part 1)

Background info on Carla...

Carla Jones was originally created sometime before august 05 while i was having a convo with my mommy, grandmother and aunt.  we were discussing how so many girls are named after their fathers (pierryon, steveosha, barrinisha, davidnisha, etc...) we were jokingly saying what our names would be as well. bennita. leeanne.  josephine. and carla.  little carla jones.  i didn't understand then what this group created alter ego would mean for me. if only i knew the power i would give her.

carla got her power after katrina. after my first heartbreak. when i learned what my missing father really meant to me and how, i thought, i had to get over him.  i had to kill him. have to kill him.  have to finish processing what katrina meant to me. had to deal with the pain of almost losing my mother during that time too.  who would i be, what would i be like if i lost my mother and father during katrina. and [the same questions] if my aunt would be my guardian until i was 18. which would only be 2.5 months but that would have been long enough.  this last part got added to the scenario after i figured out who my aunt really was.  the evil bitch she is.  the dumb bitch she is.  the manipulative bitch she is. how much i dislike her because she won't better herself as a person.  i've been thru a lot in life and i feel like i came out on top.  i have no sympathy for those who can't pull themselves up by their own bootstraps.  i watched my mother do it, i heard the story of how my grandmother did. i lived it. but this is beside the point...

carla will experience the ultimate heartache. the loss of both her parents.  i felt the pain of almost losing one and i still can't process it that well. i feel the need to be overprotective of my mother. almost be her guardian.  i feel the pain of not having a male influence in my life. my grandfather wasn't suppose to be around my whole life.  my great grandfather either. i wasn't suppose to get that support from them.  that wasn't my uncles job either. it was my father's and i put sole blame on him.  these other 3 men did fill his shoes until they were all dead, by the time i was 6 (with the exception of one uncle. i hate him. i have good reason to too)

sidenote: there were other men in my life after these key men died but they were either gay or i didn't like/trust them.  now you may be wondering what gay has anything to do with but at a young age i was exposed to a lot about sexuality and i noticed something feminine in these men. they weren't real men to me even tho i know they are.  they just didn't fulfill that hole. strange i know. and the ones i didn't like/trust. GOOD REASON TOO. trust me.

carla is my coping mechanism. self made because therapy ain't work. that way i can deal with a plethora of my issues at once. you'll see what she means to me.

carla out