Never forget who you are and whose you are....

Long time no hear, from me i guess.  I don't mean to offend anyone with this, it's just how i feel.

I cannot tell you how many times i've heard that from my mother.  i can't tell you how many times i ignored her saying that.  i think i finally understand that now.

I always saw it, heard it, thought of it coming from a religious place and my place with religion is....not where it once was.  it's a relationship i want to rebuild.  i miss it sometimes.  but sometimes i question if it's from actual or learned necessity.  i was raised to feel a certain way.  i learned something different as i grew older.  molding what's left of my religious beliefs with what are my current spiritual emotions. difficult.

whose am i?

i have this strong tie to my matriarchal line.  i don't know why.  but i belong to them.  never met my great grandmother but i swear i feel her.  my grandmother was a force in my life that could never be reckoned with.  this woman walked around mcm with gout and her swoll feet slippers (and yall don't know how much she did not like going outside like that) to take care of me....by putting the principal in her place.  and when she died, that's when my anger with religion began, i blamed myself for her death.  i made her so sad cuz i was leaving for college.  she couldn't deal with it.  i was angry with her for leaving me. she must have felt the same. but i could have never asked for a better angel. i swear.

did you know that you still learn, even after you die? i don't mean reincarnation either. you get to sit back and look at what was. understand what you left from new eyes.

there must be some separation of spirit and soul.

i've learned to associate whose i am with what i believe.  i believe a have a whole crew of ancestors watching over me. i call them angels even tho there is no religious tie.  i'm not saying that i don't believe i "belong" to some higher up, higher being.  i'm just saying that that being doesn't have to tie into mainstream and acceptable religions.  i wish i knew the religion of my people. i wish i knew my people.

i'll stop now. before my ramble goes beyond the point.