Objection: Nic, Part One.

I am not the type to blow up a phone but this bitch has me passed worried. As the best friend, with the fresh scratches to prove it, you would expect the newly left at the alter bride to be with me drowning her sorrows in some Henn and watching "Will and Grace" or some shit, with ME. Instead, I've been sitting outside the reception venue, FOR HOURS, blowing up her phone. No, a text message saying "I'm OK" will not suffice! Bitch, where the hell you at?

Wait. Pause. Who am I? How rude of me. My name is Nic[ole], and I'm Chris' coofless best [wo]man. We've known each other for about 15 years now? Not like I can FIND her so she can correct me....

I just don't know where things went wrong. Here I am, in the sexiest tux I've ever worn in my damn life, walking my best friend down the aisle. The most shit we expected to put up with today was the sideways glances we would get walking down the aisle. First of all, everybody thought I would have turned her out ages ago, but it wasn't even like that. I'm not even the type to-- PAUSE-- this ain't about me. Secondly, this Baptist church is just too holy for my dyking ass to be giving away the granddaughter of the pastor, who I winked at when I gave her away. And thirdly, because I'd slept with 3 bridesmaids and the best man (at the same damn time), but hey...

But for Thomas to bud in when the pastor, her GRANDFATHER, mind you, says "does anyone object to this union... " Lawd, my heart bout jumped out my chest. For her maid of honor, her sister, Christine, to be standing there cradling her pregnant stomach, which happens to be Thomas' child. Could we have gotten a warning sign, a Batsignal that some bullshit of this proportion was going down? I was so in my head after Thomas' well rehearsed "I love you and I would never want to hurt you but-- " speech that I didn't even notice Chris stomp his ass at the alter, then proceed to her own, pregnant sister.

Now, I swoop in and play captain save a heaux. I drag Chris by her arm and veil, swinging. She manages to get a good cat scratch on my left cheek. If I didn't love this heaux, I woulda drop kicked her right there, but, you know... After I managed to calm her down and get her back into the limo, I went inside to do what the maid of honor should be doing, dealing with the guests. Once I got them packed and headed on their way, I went back outside to check on Chris. The limo was gone. That's when I started blowing up her phone. Calls, texts, voicemails. And all I get is one misly text back, "I'm OK." When I find her ass....

After calling her one last time, I put my phone down in disgust. I look up to see a cab pull up and the new bar across the street. A woman who looked just like Chris hopped out....Wait, that IS her! And I bought her those damn shoes. And...who is this pretty Ricky looking muhfugga with his hand on her booty?

Oh. Hell. No. Objection!!! I run across the street. I'm not losing her before I even get the chance to get her....again.