Friday, November 14, 2014
Confessions of a Misfit: When the Day Comes
One of these days I won't be around. Nobody will ever be able to text me. Or call me. Or come to my house. Nobody will be able to tweet me. Or like my picture on Instagram. None of the above. When that day comes, people will be really sad they didn't spend time with me when they could. Really sad that they didn't take advantage of the opportunity to show they cared. When that day comes people will all ask themselves how come I didn't tell them how I felt. And why didn't i let them know I was sad. Or they will ask why I didn't go see a shrink or something. When the day comes when I no longer exist my brothers will wish they put more effort into our sibling-ship and that they didn't treat me like shit. When the day comes that I no longer exist my dad will wish that he spent a little more time with me in the few months that I lived in the same state as him again, as opposed to spending all his free time in ohio, the state I just left, with my mother. When the time comes that I'm not around my mom will wish she actually listened when I talked instead of making the conversation about her again. When the day comes my students will wish they had listened to me a little more and appreciated how laid back and chill I was about stuff. When the day comes all the guys that's did me dirty will wish they had realized how good they had it. They will wish they had treated me better and wifed me when they had the chance. When the day comes everyone will realize the mistakes they made and wish they could take it back, but it'll be TOO FUCKIN LATE !
Tuesday, June 17, 2014
The Adventures of a College Educated Misfit -- Part 36
--On Birthing Babies [1year and 2 months late]
Birth plans are shit. Trying to predict how this is gonna happen is pointless. POINTLESS. I had it all worked out in my head. I'd be like 41 weeks and some days pregnant, miserable, ready to pop, then...pain. NOPE.
37 weeks. 0 days. According to phone app. One of them. 36 weeks. 4 days to everyone else. But still miserable and ready to pop.
It's shortly after midnight, I want ice cream. I have every intention of getting some after I pee and do something else...I forgot what that was. Shower? So, I'm peeing. [Hold. A TMI moment is fast approaching. Actually, this whole post is a TMI moment; so if you ain't ready, close this now...]
So, I'm peeing. I finish. Stand up. Pull up my pants and stuff. I start peeing again. My guess, she kicked my bladder. Cool. I sit back down. I pee again. Involuntarily. Cool. I "pee" again. And again. And ag--
"MAH!!!!!!!!!!" My mom's in the laundry room. She yells back as she walks to the bathroom. She asks what it is or something. My water broke. So I thought. I was quite sure. Why else would strange sweet smelling water start leaking out of me? [Said this was gonna be TMI] We look at each other. Neither of us know what to do; the doctor didn't prepare us for this. So what do I ask for? My phone. First, text boo. ("either my water broke or I just peed on myself") Next, google what to do when your water breaks. Google says do nothing. Wait for contractions. Ok, I don't have those. So when I stop leaking enough, get some new undies (thanks to mommy), get my bed lined so that I can sit on it (also thanks to mommy), the wait for contractions moves to my room. The googling continues. Eff it, call the hospital. They tell me to bring my ass in. Pack a bag. Line the car seat. Change undies at least 3 more times. Get the exercise ball. This natural birth, possibly in water, is about to happen.
I roll into the hospital around 3am. No one answers the L&D door for at least 10 minutes. Once I get in, they proceed to ask me why I didn't go to the ER for triage. Because the old man security guard told me to carry my ass up to yall. So they have to check to see if my water broke, because naturally I would piss my pants like 9 times in a row in a 3 hour span. Hook me up to a baby monitor and get ready to admit me. Any contractions? Nope, just the ones I had this morning. Can we start an IV? Nope, I'm going natural.
Fast forward 6 hours. I've been asked several times to start pitocin, declined. So my Dr. rolls thru like.... Fine, you can start it in an hour. I hate needles, I hate IVs but I have this pitocin drip and antibiotics because my strep test hasn't come back yet. But my sinuses clear now...
Fast forward 11 hours. My body has done nothing. At one point I may have been having contractions every 8 minutes but meh. Body ain't trying. They tell me I'm getting off the drugs, to go take a shower, and eat some food. My mom helped me take a shower, boo went got me some oysters. Stuffed my face and got some hours. Middle of the night they come back for round 2, Pitocin and they put some gel on my cervix to help it soften. The rest my memory gets sketchy for....
So at some point Sunday the contractions start rolling and I do mean rolling. So they check my cervix.... all 1.5 cm. Now that check sent me over the edge. I was riding thru the contractions but now I'm not dilated enough to get in the water, that check hurt so much I started crying, and I've been in labor for approaching, if not already, 36 hours. GIVE ME THE DRUGS!!! You have to wait an hour. BITCH.
I rode that hour as best I could til I gots the drugs. But they did my epidural wrong so I could still feel contractions on half my body. Mind you while this strange man stuck a needle and a tube up my spine, I could have NO ONE in the room with me. So it has to be fixed or taken out and there is no way in hell that's happening so I brace myself for the pain. But it works this time so i sleep. When I wake up, 2.5 cm. Doc, cut me.
So at 5:27 pm, after about 40-41 hours of labor, baby girl was finally here. But let me backtrack. I go in the operating room first. MORE DRUGS FOR ME!!! They playing Luther, I'm like "yasssssssss". So while they're getting me ready, the nurses start talking about this patient coming in 36 weeks pregnant that was in a car accident and crashing and they had to do an emergency c section. [I later found out that everyone outside the OR didn't hear about the car accident part and thought it was me.]
So, they start cutting me and no one has made it to the OR to be with me yet. I'm angry but also doped up. So here come my mama with nothing on, meaning no OR gear. Because nurses too busy running they mouth bout the lady coming it. They send her out, her and boo come back. They hang out with me for all of 0.3 second before they pop the baby out then they leave me to ohhh and awww and ahhhh over her. I'm like, but my nose itch. My mama forget to take pictures, I'm getting sewed up, apparently boo done cut the cord and I am told NOTHING. My nose itch and don't nobody care about me, thanks hormones.
Finally, they lay her on my chest. I still can't see her. And she pees on me. Bye baby.
Idk how long it is before I get to see her again. I don't remember most of that night because once I got that morphine drip I was gone.
I do remember that I got juice. 2 of my bestest buddies stopped by to see us, didn't even know the baby had made it yet. Just felt like coming to the hospital. and baby girl latched on like a pro.
Why didn't I write this last year?
Mama Misfit, out.
The Adventures of a College Educated Misfit -- Part 35
Ages after the fact I decided to edit this so I can write my birthing story 2 months later...
-- On Pregnancy
I'm like several weeks late on this. I've had an assignment to do this forever. It's hard to get to. Hard to write, even thought I want to. Gonna be even harder for publish. Hell this may turn into a #Misfit email...
25 weeks down. 15 to go.
Where do I start? The beginning? Embarrassing stories of implantation bleeding, exhaustion, morning sickness that lasts all damn day. And who lied about strange cravings? I specifically want normal shit and when I couldn't get it....
Do I start about how the first time I felt her move I thought it was gas? How it use to make my heart pound? I felt bad for not liking the fact that I could feel her moving. I should right? This should be some wonderfully mythical shit I'm experiencing.
26 weeks down. 14 to go.
The first day she decided to move while I was actively moving around was Christmas Eve. It felt so funny. Less like gas and more like butterflies but while walking. It was strange. I still wasn't completely comfortable with the thought of her moving.
I don't think it was that far after New Years when I begin feeling individual kicks. They were wonderful and real. I knew what they were and they would tell me where she was. She quickly developed a pattern. She kicks after I eat, when I have to pee and whenever I'm really still. She loves kicking my bladder.
In the last week, she's started having hiccups which I do not enjoy as much. They make whichever side she is on just start jumping. And I can see it. I guess the next thing is seeing her kick? Hell, she sure kicks strong enough.
I've known she was a she from the moment I knew she existed. I doubted my thoughts of course but it wasn't long before I knew who she was. Long before an ultrasound good. Her father dreamt of her first. Then she controlled my dreams for about a week. The most significant dream came from my aunt. My mom told her that I'm pregnant and she said she finally understood the dream she had about my grandmother holding a pink blanket. That was enough to make me cry. I had to wonder why she let her have that dream and not me but there are some things I cannot control.... Maybe that dream was meant to rebuild damaged bridges.
36 weeks down. 4 to go.
I hate everything. I can't see my feet but I know they're swollen. I can't enjoy what few foods I still like because of the demon known as heartburn. (but thank gawd for almond milk being somewhat soothing...) Naps were invented for pregnant women. I'm always tired. I want to tackle the mountain of shit I need to do before she gets here. I want to crochet a nest. Like Big Bird's nest on Sesame Street.
I just want her to get here. I'm tired of waiting. I'm tired of being pregnant. I'm tired of being tired. I'm tired of being hungry. I'm tired of being thirsty. I'm tired of being excited that I can still shit. though many pregnant women can't so haha...
Anyway, I have my birth plan completed. I have my bag, it's not packed tho. I'm working on her coming home outfit. I'm excited. I'm nervous. I'm scared shitless. I'm in love. Complete and total unconditional love.
I want her to move her leg out my damn ribs.
-- On Pregnancy
I'm like several weeks late on this. I've had an assignment to do this forever. It's hard to get to. Hard to write, even thought I want to. Gonna be even harder for publish. Hell this may turn into a #Misfit email...
25 weeks down. 15 to go.
Where do I start? The beginning? Embarrassing stories of implantation bleeding, exhaustion, morning sickness that lasts all damn day. And who lied about strange cravings? I specifically want normal shit and when I couldn't get it....
Do I start about how the first time I felt her move I thought it was gas? How it use to make my heart pound? I felt bad for not liking the fact that I could feel her moving. I should right? This should be some wonderfully mythical shit I'm experiencing.
26 weeks down. 14 to go.
The first day she decided to move while I was actively moving around was Christmas Eve. It felt so funny. Less like gas and more like butterflies but while walking. It was strange. I still wasn't completely comfortable with the thought of her moving.
I don't think it was that far after New Years when I begin feeling individual kicks. They were wonderful and real. I knew what they were and they would tell me where she was. She quickly developed a pattern. She kicks after I eat, when I have to pee and whenever I'm really still. She loves kicking my bladder.
In the last week, she's started having hiccups which I do not enjoy as much. They make whichever side she is on just start jumping. And I can see it. I guess the next thing is seeing her kick? Hell, she sure kicks strong enough.
I've known she was a she from the moment I knew she existed. I doubted my thoughts of course but it wasn't long before I knew who she was. Long before an ultrasound good. Her father dreamt of her first. Then she controlled my dreams for about a week. The most significant dream came from my aunt. My mom told her that I'm pregnant and she said she finally understood the dream she had about my grandmother holding a pink blanket. That was enough to make me cry. I had to wonder why she let her have that dream and not me but there are some things I cannot control.... Maybe that dream was meant to rebuild damaged bridges.
36 weeks down. 4 to go.
I hate everything. I can't see my feet but I know they're swollen. I can't enjoy what few foods I still like because of the demon known as heartburn. (but thank gawd for almond milk being somewhat soothing...) Naps were invented for pregnant women. I'm always tired. I want to tackle the mountain of shit I need to do before she gets here. I want to crochet a nest. Like Big Bird's nest on Sesame Street.
I just want her to get here. I'm tired of waiting. I'm tired of being pregnant. I'm tired of being tired. I'm tired of being hungry. I'm tired of being thirsty. I'm tired of being excited that I can still shit. though many pregnant women can't so haha...
Anyway, I have my birth plan completed. I have my bag, it's not packed tho. I'm working on her coming home outfit. I'm excited. I'm nervous. I'm scared shitless. I'm in love. Complete and total unconditional love.
I want her to move her leg out my damn ribs.
Thursday, April 17, 2014
Pursuit of... [Happiness]
Happiness.
No, I'm not trying to steal the title of that Will Smith movie. This is my current mission. I'm tired of living the life I've been living. It looks beautiful from the outside, but as I make the block long walk to my car, I realize just how much my life is in shambles.
I have just left behind the love of my life and a night I will not soon forget. We made love underneath the moon light and our souls connected. I found my soul mate and I never want to let him go.
As I get in my car, my mind is made up. I have to have a conversation with my husband. I can't live this life anymore.
I stop at Wendy's on my way to work, the empire I built from the ground up with my husband, for some breakfast. I'm going to need something to get me through this seemingly difficult conversation. We have both known this was coming for a while, but this isn't the right time. This doesn't fit into the agreement we made.
I pull into my spot and notice my husband is already here. Early bird. I throw on a hoodie and change my heels to sandals in case any employees are already here. Don't want them to see me arrive in yesterday's clothes. I grab my suitcase and coffee and head inside. I wink and wave at the security guard as I get on the elevator to carry my ass to the 25th floor. I rush pass all the reception desks and cubicles, straight to my husbands office. He has a shower and a closet full of our clothes.
As I enter his office, I almost trip over him and his lover creating strange puzzles on the floor with their bodies. I ignore them and move to the shower. Once I am clean, I put on my red suit. Today, I truly feel like the devil in the red dress. I walk out the bathroom, head held high, step over my husband in his early morning tryst and head out the office, not before I look over my shoulder and tell him we need to talk.
I walk calmly into my office and sit behind my desk. I busy myself with work, replying to emails I'd been ignoring and avoiding. About 15 minutes later, my husband, David, walks into my office, sits at my desk and crosses his legs. What does he have to say? "What's on your mind girl?"
"I want a divorce." I say calmly, evenly, eyes still glued on my computer screen and fingers still tapping away at the keyboard.
"I knew this was coming. You stayed with him last night?"
"Yes, I did." I say trying to keep from having to mention stepping over him and Jordan this morning.
"Sugar, you know this isn't the right time. It doesn't fit into our plans." David was right. We'd married shortly after graduating grad school and began building our dreams. We were best friends and always would be which is why we came up with our pact, but I had to leave. Sooner than later.
"I know. This isn't what we planned at all, but I've found the one. THEE ONE. I can't let him pass me by."
"He gave you an ultimatum."
"Something like that. He said he could never be more than my dirty little secret as long as you and I are keeping up this lie, and he's right. He deserves so much more than I can give him openly right now. I don't want to hide anymore. I know you think corporate America just isn't ready for you yet but how much longer do I have to hold off my true happily ever after until you think it is?"
He lets out a heavy sigh. "You know Jordan has never put me through this."
"Jordan is just as deep in the closet as you." Jordan and David have been in a secret relationship since our junior year of college. He didn't think he could progress in life as he wanted being gay and black, so we created our lie. Jordan was ok with it because he never thought his parents would approve of his lifestyle and the closet provided him with a comfort he's always known. I was ok with it because at the time I never thought I'd find true love. Never have to look for it, invest time in it, watch it grow....none of that. But now...
"How will this look?"
"I don't care. We say we are divorcing because the fire and passion we shared for each other died. Because we'd rather continue on as best friends, happily, than have one of us stray from the marriage. We keep everything in place. We split the company 50/50, keep our money, assets, acquisitions. You keep the house, it was always more yours than mine..."
"You've been thinking long and hard about this..."
"Only all morning. I want to be happy. I love you, I love what we've built, but it's time for me to start working on my next chapter. Who knows, it may be time for you too...."
No, I'm not trying to steal the title of that Will Smith movie. This is my current mission. I'm tired of living the life I've been living. It looks beautiful from the outside, but as I make the block long walk to my car, I realize just how much my life is in shambles.
I have just left behind the love of my life and a night I will not soon forget. We made love underneath the moon light and our souls connected. I found my soul mate and I never want to let him go.
As I get in my car, my mind is made up. I have to have a conversation with my husband. I can't live this life anymore.
I stop at Wendy's on my way to work, the empire I built from the ground up with my husband, for some breakfast. I'm going to need something to get me through this seemingly difficult conversation. We have both known this was coming for a while, but this isn't the right time. This doesn't fit into the agreement we made.
I pull into my spot and notice my husband is already here. Early bird. I throw on a hoodie and change my heels to sandals in case any employees are already here. Don't want them to see me arrive in yesterday's clothes. I grab my suitcase and coffee and head inside. I wink and wave at the security guard as I get on the elevator to carry my ass to the 25th floor. I rush pass all the reception desks and cubicles, straight to my husbands office. He has a shower and a closet full of our clothes.
As I enter his office, I almost trip over him and his lover creating strange puzzles on the floor with their bodies. I ignore them and move to the shower. Once I am clean, I put on my red suit. Today, I truly feel like the devil in the red dress. I walk out the bathroom, head held high, step over my husband in his early morning tryst and head out the office, not before I look over my shoulder and tell him we need to talk.
I walk calmly into my office and sit behind my desk. I busy myself with work, replying to emails I'd been ignoring and avoiding. About 15 minutes later, my husband, David, walks into my office, sits at my desk and crosses his legs. What does he have to say? "What's on your mind girl?"
"I want a divorce." I say calmly, evenly, eyes still glued on my computer screen and fingers still tapping away at the keyboard.
"I knew this was coming. You stayed with him last night?"
"Yes, I did." I say trying to keep from having to mention stepping over him and Jordan this morning.
"Sugar, you know this isn't the right time. It doesn't fit into our plans." David was right. We'd married shortly after graduating grad school and began building our dreams. We were best friends and always would be which is why we came up with our pact, but I had to leave. Sooner than later.
"I know. This isn't what we planned at all, but I've found the one. THEE ONE. I can't let him pass me by."
"He gave you an ultimatum."
"Something like that. He said he could never be more than my dirty little secret as long as you and I are keeping up this lie, and he's right. He deserves so much more than I can give him openly right now. I don't want to hide anymore. I know you think corporate America just isn't ready for you yet but how much longer do I have to hold off my true happily ever after until you think it is?"
He lets out a heavy sigh. "You know Jordan has never put me through this."
"Jordan is just as deep in the closet as you." Jordan and David have been in a secret relationship since our junior year of college. He didn't think he could progress in life as he wanted being gay and black, so we created our lie. Jordan was ok with it because he never thought his parents would approve of his lifestyle and the closet provided him with a comfort he's always known. I was ok with it because at the time I never thought I'd find true love. Never have to look for it, invest time in it, watch it grow....none of that. But now...
"How will this look?"
"I don't care. We say we are divorcing because the fire and passion we shared for each other died. Because we'd rather continue on as best friends, happily, than have one of us stray from the marriage. We keep everything in place. We split the company 50/50, keep our money, assets, acquisitions. You keep the house, it was always more yours than mine..."
"You've been thinking long and hard about this..."
"Only all morning. I want to be happy. I love you, I love what we've built, but it's time for me to start working on my next chapter. Who knows, it may be time for you too...."
Sunday, February 9, 2014
The Quickie Chronicles - 2 Hours
I sell fantasies. Allusions. Beautiful, dark, twisted nightmares. I give the people what they want.
I've been birthday presents, bachelor and bachelorette party gifts, anniversary presents, graduation gifts.... you name it.
I've given people experiences they will never forget, possibly could never have. I live my life serving others. But what do I have left for myself? I say I live a life of lust and a lack of love and common sense. Or at least I did. This isn't a story about those who knock my sexual exploits and desire to be a defense attorney. This is the story of how I figured out what would make me happy, and how I fixed part of my life.
I hated this part of my job. I stood at the door of a hotel suite dressed as an EMT. Now I've never known an EMT to wear 6 inch stilettos, but... One of her friends opened the door with a smirk on her face. Cautiously and sincerely I mentioned that I had been called to deal with someone who fainted at a party, a blushing bride. They point me in her direction. The look on her face was priceless. She hadn't fainted and told me just that. I told her, "Not yet...
I came with no boombox or mp3 player. I liked to sounds my audience made to be my music. I walk up to her, putting my leg on one of her shoulders. Placing my hands on either side of the chair, I slide into a split. I straddle her, grind on her, force her to the floor, pin her arms down. Tease her mentally with all of my clothes on. Besides, I'm hired to give the bride one last exploit. I try not to make my clients feel to dirty in these situations. Don't want them to carry that much guilt or shame with them to their weddings. I save the stripping for their thirsty friends.
Once I've made sure I caused the bride's pressure to rise, I get her back into her chair and focus on entertaining her friends. They tip best anyway.... After stripping down to nothing and collecting about $300 in ones, I start collecting my clothes. The Maid of Honor invites me to stay for the rest of the party. I find that weird, but stranger things have happened.
I'm offered drink and food and find myself really enjoying the company of these women. The Maid of Honor pulls me aside and propositions me. I don't find it at all alarming. $500 for 2 hours is what she offered. I wasn't sure what she wanted but that would be a nice extra piece of cash. We sneak away to a bedroom. Locking the door, she asks me for a lap dance and that I strip down to nothing again. I pull her from the bed and suggest she do it first. We take turns stripping and feeling each other up. Once I am done, I get on my knees and began rubbing her legs. Slowly, she feels more and more confident and spreading them apart. I push her feet up on the bed and encourage her to lay back. I take my time applying short licks to her clit, then longer ones, longer ones that involve the grazing of a tooth until I'm just sucking on it. She squirms and moans beneath me. I add my digits into the mix. One finger and then two. I stop licking and look up at her. She sits up staring at me in disbelief as I stroke her g-spot with a "come here" motion. Her entire body is soaking wet and steaming but she shivers like she is cold. I haven't taken up my 2 hours but I feel done. I think we should renegotiate....
Her lips meet mine and I am thrown onto the bed. She climbs on top of me, thumbing my nipples as she continues to suck my face. I'm not as aroused by all of this like she is so she licks to fingers before shoving them inside of me. The surprise and initial pain turn me on. I force my hips against her fingers harder and harder wishing it was something else. I try to imagine a big, thick dick pounding in and out of me. I clinch my muscles down around her fingers hoping to build friction and my imagination builds on what I am wishing. I hit a peak and plateau. I want to give up but she won't let me...
After my two hours, I collect my payment and leave. Only think I've learned tonight is that I love dick and all my bills will be paid next month....
I've been birthday presents, bachelor and bachelorette party gifts, anniversary presents, graduation gifts.... you name it.
I've given people experiences they will never forget, possibly could never have. I live my life serving others. But what do I have left for myself? I say I live a life of lust and a lack of love and common sense. Or at least I did. This isn't a story about those who knock my sexual exploits and desire to be a defense attorney. This is the story of how I figured out what would make me happy, and how I fixed part of my life.
I hated this part of my job. I stood at the door of a hotel suite dressed as an EMT. Now I've never known an EMT to wear 6 inch stilettos, but... One of her friends opened the door with a smirk on her face. Cautiously and sincerely I mentioned that I had been called to deal with someone who fainted at a party, a blushing bride. They point me in her direction. The look on her face was priceless. She hadn't fainted and told me just that. I told her, "Not yet...
I came with no boombox or mp3 player. I liked to sounds my audience made to be my music. I walk up to her, putting my leg on one of her shoulders. Placing my hands on either side of the chair, I slide into a split. I straddle her, grind on her, force her to the floor, pin her arms down. Tease her mentally with all of my clothes on. Besides, I'm hired to give the bride one last exploit. I try not to make my clients feel to dirty in these situations. Don't want them to carry that much guilt or shame with them to their weddings. I save the stripping for their thirsty friends.
Once I've made sure I caused the bride's pressure to rise, I get her back into her chair and focus on entertaining her friends. They tip best anyway.... After stripping down to nothing and collecting about $300 in ones, I start collecting my clothes. The Maid of Honor invites me to stay for the rest of the party. I find that weird, but stranger things have happened.
I'm offered drink and food and find myself really enjoying the company of these women. The Maid of Honor pulls me aside and propositions me. I don't find it at all alarming. $500 for 2 hours is what she offered. I wasn't sure what she wanted but that would be a nice extra piece of cash. We sneak away to a bedroom. Locking the door, she asks me for a lap dance and that I strip down to nothing again. I pull her from the bed and suggest she do it first. We take turns stripping and feeling each other up. Once I am done, I get on my knees and began rubbing her legs. Slowly, she feels more and more confident and spreading them apart. I push her feet up on the bed and encourage her to lay back. I take my time applying short licks to her clit, then longer ones, longer ones that involve the grazing of a tooth until I'm just sucking on it. She squirms and moans beneath me. I add my digits into the mix. One finger and then two. I stop licking and look up at her. She sits up staring at me in disbelief as I stroke her g-spot with a "come here" motion. Her entire body is soaking wet and steaming but she shivers like she is cold. I haven't taken up my 2 hours but I feel done. I think we should renegotiate....
Her lips meet mine and I am thrown onto the bed. She climbs on top of me, thumbing my nipples as she continues to suck my face. I'm not as aroused by all of this like she is so she licks to fingers before shoving them inside of me. The surprise and initial pain turn me on. I force my hips against her fingers harder and harder wishing it was something else. I try to imagine a big, thick dick pounding in and out of me. I clinch my muscles down around her fingers hoping to build friction and my imagination builds on what I am wishing. I hit a peak and plateau. I want to give up but she won't let me...
After my two hours, I collect my payment and leave. Only think I've learned tonight is that I love dick and all my bills will be paid next month....
Saturday, February 8, 2014
The Adventures of a College Educated Misfit- Part 34
On prenuptial agreements. . .
Now before I begin i believe it is necessary for you to know what a prenupt is. According to merriam-webster dictionary a prenuptial agreement is "an agreement made by a couple before they marry concerning the ownership of their respective assets should the marriage fail". In some cases these prenupts include other binding rules regarding what happens if the marriage fails, including but not limited to: how the divorce will happen, what happens if someone cheats, what happens with the child(ren).
Now for my thoughts....
I was watching some silly netflix movie and the couple was about to get married. He converted to Judaism in order to earn her family's blessing and to appease them. They were in love. Then she shoves this large ass book looking thing in his face and says this is our prenupt....look it over.
BITCH WHAAAAAAAAAAT??! So lets just say I am confused. Like i have thought about a prenupt and seen several movies where they are used, but I was so taken aback and i still havent wrapped my thoughts on the subject. I can see both sides of this fucked up coin...thus we are here talking about it.
Before i go into my opinion about why they are ok and why they are not, keep in mind majority of people get prenupts to make sure that the money they have earned prior to this marriage is safe. Example: If i am rich because my dad left me all his money i would ask my husband to sign the preunpt so that if we divorce we only split the money we earned as a married couple and the money i already had will not be included. Disclaimer: this is my opinion and how i view the majority of prenupts. i could be wrong (duh)
SIDE 1: Do not do it
If you really loved this person why you even ask them to sign this. Preparing for the worse is like expecting it. If you all sign this prenupt then it is like waiting for the door to hit you on the way out. You should believe in your marriage enough to not find it necessary. Not to mention if you ask them to sign the prenupt isn't that just like admitting "hey i know you say you love me for me, but i think that you only want my money". A prenupt is like a just incase you are a gold-digger safety net. How do you go to the person you love and ask them to sign that? How do you convince the person you love to sign the prenupt that says in case you are a fuckin gold-digger, i still want all my money? i do not think you can.
SIDE 2: Do it
If yall are really in love and this is meant to last forever this dumb ass paper wont mean anything..right? If person a isn't after person b's money than person a will have no problem signing the paper. It is just a little bit of security. It is similar to couples liking to use "baby" and "honey" and other terms of endearment. You and anyone else of importance are well aware that you and this person are a couple but you use the terms to make you feel good, to make it known, to remind yourself that they care. People do shit everyday to make them feel a little more secure in their role, whether that is romantic role, educational, professional. What makes this any different? Not to mention this idea that whats mine is mine. If person a has a large inheritance or started some multimillion dollar company prior to marrying person b or even before meeting them, why does person b deserve half of it when they divorce. what did person b to help person a? Not a damn thing! It is only fair that what happened before the marriage is exactly the same if this marriage ends.
okayyyyyy so as you see i have arguments for both sides and I am sure I forgot a few of the ones that were in my head when i decided to write this, but thats all i got. I would love for my fellow #misfits to tune in and add to this. what do yall think. prenupts: good or bad? acceptable or unacceptable? would you ask your spouse to sign one? if your spouse asked you would you sign it?
lemme know your thoughts...even if they are as jumbled as mine
#misfit out fuckers
Now before I begin i believe it is necessary for you to know what a prenupt is. According to merriam-webster dictionary a prenuptial agreement is "an agreement made by a couple before they marry concerning the ownership of their respective assets should the marriage fail". In some cases these prenupts include other binding rules regarding what happens if the marriage fails, including but not limited to: how the divorce will happen, what happens if someone cheats, what happens with the child(ren).
Now for my thoughts....
I was watching some silly netflix movie and the couple was about to get married. He converted to Judaism in order to earn her family's blessing and to appease them. They were in love. Then she shoves this large ass book looking thing in his face and says this is our prenupt....look it over.
BITCH WHAAAAAAAAAAT??! So lets just say I am confused. Like i have thought about a prenupt and seen several movies where they are used, but I was so taken aback and i still havent wrapped my thoughts on the subject. I can see both sides of this fucked up coin...thus we are here talking about it.
Before i go into my opinion about why they are ok and why they are not, keep in mind majority of people get prenupts to make sure that the money they have earned prior to this marriage is safe. Example: If i am rich because my dad left me all his money i would ask my husband to sign the preunpt so that if we divorce we only split the money we earned as a married couple and the money i already had will not be included. Disclaimer: this is my opinion and how i view the majority of prenupts. i could be wrong (duh)
SIDE 1: Do not do it
If you really loved this person why you even ask them to sign this. Preparing for the worse is like expecting it. If you all sign this prenupt then it is like waiting for the door to hit you on the way out. You should believe in your marriage enough to not find it necessary. Not to mention if you ask them to sign the prenupt isn't that just like admitting "hey i know you say you love me for me, but i think that you only want my money". A prenupt is like a just incase you are a gold-digger safety net. How do you go to the person you love and ask them to sign that? How do you convince the person you love to sign the prenupt that says in case you are a fuckin gold-digger, i still want all my money? i do not think you can.
SIDE 2: Do it
If yall are really in love and this is meant to last forever this dumb ass paper wont mean anything..right? If person a isn't after person b's money than person a will have no problem signing the paper. It is just a little bit of security. It is similar to couples liking to use "baby" and "honey" and other terms of endearment. You and anyone else of importance are well aware that you and this person are a couple but you use the terms to make you feel good, to make it known, to remind yourself that they care. People do shit everyday to make them feel a little more secure in their role, whether that is romantic role, educational, professional. What makes this any different? Not to mention this idea that whats mine is mine. If person a has a large inheritance or started some multimillion dollar company prior to marrying person b or even before meeting them, why does person b deserve half of it when they divorce. what did person b to help person a? Not a damn thing! It is only fair that what happened before the marriage is exactly the same if this marriage ends.
okayyyyyy so as you see i have arguments for both sides and I am sure I forgot a few of the ones that were in my head when i decided to write this, but thats all i got. I would love for my fellow #misfits to tune in and add to this. what do yall think. prenupts: good or bad? acceptable or unacceptable? would you ask your spouse to sign one? if your spouse asked you would you sign it?
lemme know your thoughts...even if they are as jumbled as mine
#misfit out fuckers
Sunday, February 2, 2014
The Quickie Chronicles - Drunk In Love
I've been drinking, we've been drinking...
Clock approaches midnight and my mind races on all the ways we can say goodbye to this place.
I sit on the couch, legs tucked underneath me, and look over at you. Sprawled out, feeling all of the brown you've been drinking.
I giggle, get on my knees and crawl over. I begin teasing you through your PJ pants. You don't pay me much attention. I don't mind, I don't yet have a plan.
I start unbuttoning the slit in your pants to give myself better access. I pull you out, growing harder with each stroke. We look at each other, I giggle again before I go head first....
We be all night,
And everything alright
I move up off the floor and grab is hand. New room, new event.
He lays on the bed as I light every candle in the room. Drunken nights are never filled with many romantic moments, so before the liquor takes over my whole body....
I take off my robe, revealing nothing underneath and slide on the bed next to you.
I lay on my side and just trail my fingers up and down your chest. I'm done being the aggressor. I want to be innocent, delicate. I want to be taken advantage of. Ravish me and the sheets....
My telepathic message isn't passing thru my fingertips. I'm not laying helpless on this bed all night without feeling you inside of me. I know you're rested. I see him up again. I climb on top of you and slide down on your length. Bouncing lightly. You grab my hips and swing me onto my back, You thrust in and out of me quickly, forcefully. My legs around your neck, I pull you closer and closer to me. Our mouths touch, we kiss deeply, my legs greet my ears. You pull out of me quickly and roll my over. Deep long strokes from the back. I try to keep up, try to match them, but my body collapses. I can no longer hold myself up on my knees. Mission accomplished.
Then I fill the tub up halfway then ride it with my surfboard, surfboard, surfboard
Accidentally filled the tub up all the way. Trying to recover, decide to ride the wave. On wobbly legs, I stand, grab my bottle and drown my throat. I hobble out the room and slam the bottle on the dining room table. You come in, leaning on the door frame, wondering what exactly my drunk ass is doing. I motion for you to come closer and push you up against the table. Order you to lay down. This strong, sturdy, mahogany won't break or splinter. I climb on the table with you and squat over your face. I bounce down on your tongue repeatedly. Just...
Graining on that wood, graining, graining on that wood
Trying to maintain my balance, I end up on my knees, grabbing for the end of the table until half of my body is just hanging over. Your firm grip on my hips is the only thing holding me up...
We woke up in the kitchen saying,
"How the hell did this shit happen?"
Oh baby
I don't even know how we got back in this room. Last thing I remember is handstands off the dining room table....
The sun is out, my body is worn, my head is fucked.... You talmbout...
your breastses is my breakfast...
I just tell you to quit.
I've been drinking watermelon.... ALL DAMN NIGHT
I want breakfast and a nap. I want you there with me but....
Maybe we need a shower first...
SHIT. we have to pack.
Cigars on ice, cigars on ice...
I've grown tired of the couch. We've had to many of our sexual exploits in this room.
I get up, letting go of my last mouth full and walk into the kitchen. I know I won't have to wait long before I hear your footsteps behind me, wondering how I could leave after I'd barely started. You wander in, bottle in hand, swigging away. I take it from you, few more shots to the head before I ease down your leg to a squatting position and use your thigh for support.
I pop up thinking of ways to make this more interesting, not that my #mouf needs any improvement. I open the fridge and freezer. I know you're confused, I normally keep a strict no food policy. Sugar and the cooch don't mix but....
I grab an ice tray and make my way back to your thigh. I pop out a cube and trail it gently against your length. I play with you and the ice in my hands until it's small enough to fit you both in my mouth. I swirl the ice around in my mouth, teasing every part of him, all the while trying to keep my mouth as warm as possible, not stopping until you've coated my throat.
We be all night,
And everything alright
I move up off the floor and grab is hand. New room, new event.
He lays on the bed as I light every candle in the room. Drunken nights are never filled with many romantic moments, so before the liquor takes over my whole body....
I take off my robe, revealing nothing underneath and slide on the bed next to you.
I lay on my side and just trail my fingers up and down your chest. I'm done being the aggressor. I want to be innocent, delicate. I want to be taken advantage of. Ravish me and the sheets....
My telepathic message isn't passing thru my fingertips. I'm not laying helpless on this bed all night without feeling you inside of me. I know you're rested. I see him up again. I climb on top of you and slide down on your length. Bouncing lightly. You grab my hips and swing me onto my back, You thrust in and out of me quickly, forcefully. My legs around your neck, I pull you closer and closer to me. Our mouths touch, we kiss deeply, my legs greet my ears. You pull out of me quickly and roll my over. Deep long strokes from the back. I try to keep up, try to match them, but my body collapses. I can no longer hold myself up on my knees. Mission accomplished.
Then I fill the tub up halfway then ride it with my surfboard, surfboard, surfboard
Accidentally filled the tub up all the way. Trying to recover, decide to ride the wave. On wobbly legs, I stand, grab my bottle and drown my throat. I hobble out the room and slam the bottle on the dining room table. You come in, leaning on the door frame, wondering what exactly my drunk ass is doing. I motion for you to come closer and push you up against the table. Order you to lay down. This strong, sturdy, mahogany won't break or splinter. I climb on the table with you and squat over your face. I bounce down on your tongue repeatedly. Just...
Graining on that wood, graining, graining on that wood
Trying to maintain my balance, I end up on my knees, grabbing for the end of the table until half of my body is just hanging over. Your firm grip on my hips is the only thing holding me up...
We woke up in the kitchen saying,
"How the hell did this shit happen?"
Oh baby
I don't even know how we got back in this room. Last thing I remember is handstands off the dining room table....
The sun is out, my body is worn, my head is fucked.... You talmbout...
your breastses is my breakfast...
I just tell you to quit.
I've been drinking watermelon.... ALL DAMN NIGHT
I want breakfast and a nap. I want you there with me but....
Maybe we need a shower first...
SHIT. we have to pack.
Monday, January 20, 2014
The Quickie Chronicles - (1)nfinite Possibilities
I woke up in a bit of a daze. Felt like I was still dreaming. I knew I wasn't and I knew I shouldn't be here but what could I do at this point? I let my heart get the best of me and stayed the night. I set myself up for failure.
Trying to get a leash on my roaming thoughts I missed feeling you stir besides me. I almost jumped out my skin when your beard grazed my neck. I looked at you over my shoulder and smiled. You leaned over to kiss me and I begin to grind against you. Your kisses lure me to roll over and face you. Slowly, you persuade my body to climb on top of yours. I stare down at you for a while, then look out at the sun. I'm distracted again. Wrong place to be. Infinite possibilities of disaster float through my head...
You sit up and meet my lips. My attention is yours again. With a few small adjustments, you are inside of me and the syncopated rhythm we are producing takes over my mind. I bounce up and down effortlessly as my nails dig in your back and your hands slap my ass. I wrap my legs around you and grab the wall behind you for balance as my hips begin to move more intricately. I tilt my head back as you trail my neck with your tongue. Losing the ability to control my body, I fall back, only my hands on your thighs to hold me up, as I continue to buck against you, to slide with you, to find each other on the mythical other side... My legs spasm around your body as your last jerky motions let me know that we've arrived there together. I sit back up on your lap and stroke your beard. In our own world, mesmerized by your eyes, I don't here the door open. You do and your head turns. I notice the startled look in your eye as a turn my head to what holds your attention. Worse possibility. Your wife. But I don't care. I smirk at her, return my attention to you, grab your chin and bring your focus back to me and my kisses....
Trying to get a leash on my roaming thoughts I missed feeling you stir besides me. I almost jumped out my skin when your beard grazed my neck. I looked at you over my shoulder and smiled. You leaned over to kiss me and I begin to grind against you. Your kisses lure me to roll over and face you. Slowly, you persuade my body to climb on top of yours. I stare down at you for a while, then look out at the sun. I'm distracted again. Wrong place to be. Infinite possibilities of disaster float through my head...
You sit up and meet my lips. My attention is yours again. With a few small adjustments, you are inside of me and the syncopated rhythm we are producing takes over my mind. I bounce up and down effortlessly as my nails dig in your back and your hands slap my ass. I wrap my legs around you and grab the wall behind you for balance as my hips begin to move more intricately. I tilt my head back as you trail my neck with your tongue. Losing the ability to control my body, I fall back, only my hands on your thighs to hold me up, as I continue to buck against you, to slide with you, to find each other on the mythical other side... My legs spasm around your body as your last jerky motions let me know that we've arrived there together. I sit back up on your lap and stroke your beard. In our own world, mesmerized by your eyes, I don't here the door open. You do and your head turns. I notice the startled look in your eye as a turn my head to what holds your attention. Worse possibility. Your wife. But I don't care. I smirk at her, return my attention to you, grab your chin and bring your focus back to me and my kisses....
Sunday, January 5, 2014
The Quickie Chronicles - I Missed You
5 months 1 week and 3 days. thats how long its been since i've seen him. thats how long its been since i have felt his lips against mine. his tongue against my clit. his dick hittin all them spots inside of me. 5 months 1 week and 3 days. holy hell. the moment he steps off that plane i want to pounce.
im waiting at the gate. waiting for my man to appear. there are tons of people walkin around, blocking my view. im too short for this. but ofcourse he sees me before i see him, "Aubrey, baby!" i hear, and turn around too quick my ponytail hits someone in the face. I run to him. as fast as my short legs will take me. his arms open wide, and i jump. Im in his arms, my legs wrapped around his waist. his hands grippin my ass my lips on his. my tongue reintroducing herself with his. saying hello, i missed you, i love you. and just like this we walk to baggage claim.
as soon as we make it to my car i unlock the doors and climb in the back. "Uh babe, what are you doing?" Ian asks me with a puzzled smirk on his face. "Now i told you i missed you and that dick you brought with you. and i want it. now" i say as i reach across my back seat and open the other door. he climbs in and before he can even close the door completely my face is in his lap unbuttoning his jeans and slippin the zipper down. in 5 seconds flat i have his dick in my mouth covered in saliva. i run my tongue from the tip the bottom and back up. i roll my tongue ring across the tip a few times then around circles around the head of his dick. i let it slide into my mouth and touch the back of my throat. i repeat this over and over. i moan a little. while im pleasing him he is sliding his hands up my skirt. no panties. i know he loves when he has free access to what is his. he tickles her. she lights right up. she missed daddy dick so much. she purring . she wet. its a good thing my seats are leather or this could be messy.
before i let him release his seed in my mouth i climb on top of him. i knew exactly what i was doing when i got dressed today. he glides in so smooth and my back arches and a soft moan escapes my lips. his hands grip my ass and my tongue reaches for his neck. i bounce on it as my tongue grazes his lips. i ride that dick like i havent seen it in 5 months 1 week and 3 days. "it's mine, baby. tell me its mine" i say to him as i put the soles of my feet on the seat and begin to bounce as hard as i can on that dick. giving him all of me. "its yours" he says as he sends one deep thrust into me, right as im coming down on the dick. "mhmmm" i moan out. "damn baby" i moan in his ear. he begins thrusting into me. showin me that daddy dick missed mami too. feelin all my wetness around him. grippin my ass so hard that my cheeks arent even touching anymore. slammin into my pussy. fillin her with all his size. one finger playing with my clit. i moan again, loud. "Iannnnnnn, mhmmm". im exploding all over him. i lean back so my head is restin on the passenger seat. i grind into him. let him get super deep so he can cum all the way inside. i rock and moan and moan and rock. until the only thing left to say is "IANNNNNNNNNN" as we explode together!
I lean forward and kiss his lips. i move off his lap and lean down and lick all my juices off. "now put that away before we miss our dinner reservations" i tell him with a smirk. i get out the car and get in the passenger seat. "you drive" i toss him the keys as he gets out the back seat. he climbs in and says "5 months 1 week and 3 days gets me that, maybe i should have stayed gone a little longer" with a laugh. i glare at him, "uhuh," i say with a smirk, "i guess you could say i missed you"
im waiting at the gate. waiting for my man to appear. there are tons of people walkin around, blocking my view. im too short for this. but ofcourse he sees me before i see him, "Aubrey, baby!" i hear, and turn around too quick my ponytail hits someone in the face. I run to him. as fast as my short legs will take me. his arms open wide, and i jump. Im in his arms, my legs wrapped around his waist. his hands grippin my ass my lips on his. my tongue reintroducing herself with his. saying hello, i missed you, i love you. and just like this we walk to baggage claim.
as soon as we make it to my car i unlock the doors and climb in the back. "Uh babe, what are you doing?" Ian asks me with a puzzled smirk on his face. "Now i told you i missed you and that dick you brought with you. and i want it. now" i say as i reach across my back seat and open the other door. he climbs in and before he can even close the door completely my face is in his lap unbuttoning his jeans and slippin the zipper down. in 5 seconds flat i have his dick in my mouth covered in saliva. i run my tongue from the tip the bottom and back up. i roll my tongue ring across the tip a few times then around circles around the head of his dick. i let it slide into my mouth and touch the back of my throat. i repeat this over and over. i moan a little. while im pleasing him he is sliding his hands up my skirt. no panties. i know he loves when he has free access to what is his. he tickles her. she lights right up. she missed daddy dick so much. she purring . she wet. its a good thing my seats are leather or this could be messy.
before i let him release his seed in my mouth i climb on top of him. i knew exactly what i was doing when i got dressed today. he glides in so smooth and my back arches and a soft moan escapes my lips. his hands grip my ass and my tongue reaches for his neck. i bounce on it as my tongue grazes his lips. i ride that dick like i havent seen it in 5 months 1 week and 3 days. "it's mine, baby. tell me its mine" i say to him as i put the soles of my feet on the seat and begin to bounce as hard as i can on that dick. giving him all of me. "its yours" he says as he sends one deep thrust into me, right as im coming down on the dick. "mhmmm" i moan out. "damn baby" i moan in his ear. he begins thrusting into me. showin me that daddy dick missed mami too. feelin all my wetness around him. grippin my ass so hard that my cheeks arent even touching anymore. slammin into my pussy. fillin her with all his size. one finger playing with my clit. i moan again, loud. "Iannnnnnn, mhmmm". im exploding all over him. i lean back so my head is restin on the passenger seat. i grind into him. let him get super deep so he can cum all the way inside. i rock and moan and moan and rock. until the only thing left to say is "IANNNNNNNNNN" as we explode together!
I lean forward and kiss his lips. i move off his lap and lean down and lick all my juices off. "now put that away before we miss our dinner reservations" i tell him with a smirk. i get out the car and get in the passenger seat. "you drive" i toss him the keys as he gets out the back seat. he climbs in and says "5 months 1 week and 3 days gets me that, maybe i should have stayed gone a little longer" with a laugh. i glare at him, "uhuh," i say with a smirk, "i guess you could say i missed you"
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