Adventures of a College Educated Misfit Part 27

-- On self-worth/daddy issues/sex vs. love

This is gonna be a random vent.  I really don't know where to start or how much to say.

So I had a conversation with a #Misfit a while back about how comfortable our generation is with just fucking and how unnerving relationships can be. Why the fuck is that?  Beside the obvious reason.  Daddy issues.  Self esteem lower than than gas prices in '87.  Popular culture, if that can really take blame for anything (that's another topic).  Why is it that my body count lingers somewhere in the back of my head  (btw, that #Misfit on body count...heaux, I'm waiting), but the non-emotional attachment of just fucking these niggas is so alluring?  I know I deserve more than that and the simplicity I'm attaching to the act just isn't real...

Or is it?  I can accept that that's all someone may want from me.  But if you go trying to add anything else to the  equation I freak out.  Several things creep across my mind.  Why wouldn't someone even want more from me?  This shit ain't real.  Feelings aren't real.  Is it all just a game, a ploy to make it seem like you want more just to get it easier?  If so, the extra effort you're putting it just isn't worth it.  Or really even necessary.

But then, you have to question if the vibes you put out change someone's motives in trying to get to know you/fuck you/whatever.

This is far more complicated than I imagined.

You have to question how much of the angst, uncomfortablity (yes, I just made that word up) you've allowed to build up, for whatever reasons, is now stamped on your fucking forehead for everyone to see.  You're so-called vibes are being judged and people then have the right decide if they are willing to deal with what you bring for some.... whatever the fuck it is they are looking for.   You have to question how much of the emotional baggage you carry around is worth it.  You have to question the source of the pain, angst, bitterness.  You have to be willing to deal with it and make yourself feel better about yourself.

Next question,  while in this period of recovery do you allow yourself to open to/potentially open to/try to open up to/just fuck someone?  Does it hurt or help recovery?

Like bottom line, I know my issues.  And sometimes I choose to deal with them.  But for the most part there are some doors I don't want to open in fear of what I may find/know I will find.  Do I owe it to myself or to whoever I could potentially be with to deal with these issues first?  Do I use them to learn/gain life experience/mend some wounds/numb the pain?

This is beginning to create more questions than answers.  More of a plead for help than a rant.  So, I ask the #Misfits to lend a hand and help me solve this dilemma, or just open a document.

Signed,

Anonymous