Welcome to the very sad story of my existence. Please, try not to judge.
I left my school's production of "The Vagina Monologues" feeling like a filled empty vessel. I was amazed that talk of vaginas could keep my attention for 2 hours. Their complexity, their beauty, their pain and pleasure. I believe that is the closest I ever felt to a feminist, or lesbian, I'm not sure.
One particular monologue changed my life, just as it changed the life of the woman who it was about. "The Flood". The story of a woman who never had an orgasm. Granted, she did finally have one, but she was old and arthritic by then. But here I was, 21, virgin, sexually frustrated, and afraid to pleasure myself. Tonight I had the motivation for change.
Walmart run. On the shopping list: strawberries, pineapple, whipped cream, chocolate syrup, scented candles, cucumbers, feathers, a floor length mirror, and a giant bottle of wine.
As soon as I get back to my apartment, I open the wine. Next, I run myself a bath and light candles all around. As the water runs, I drink a glass of wine and refill, and cut the pineapple.
I pour a third glass of wine before I get in the tub with my fruit and toppings. I have Luther crooning soulfully in the background. He could always sing a puddle into my pants, and a night of sexual frustration.
In the tub, I am confused as to where to begin. I gulp hungrily at my wine, lay back and close my eyes. I let my hands wander down to a place I only touch when I'm cleaning myself. I get familiar with the territory, try to map it out in my mind. I see how my body reacts to every touch. I decided to make myself sexually frustrated.
I start by feeding myself fruit. Teasing my lips and tongue with it. Experimenting with new flavors. Leaving trails of whipped cream from my neck to my chest, and finally down to my breast and nipples. I cover my nipples in either whipped cream or chocolate syrup and take my time licking it off. I never felt such arousal from my breast before. I feel hot and wild, a way I've never felt before.
My fingers begin wilting, so I decided to get out of the tub. I take my time drying myself off. By the time I'm done, every hair on my body is standing straight up. I lay my towel out on the floor in front of my mirror and hop on it legs spread. I lay back with a pillow below my head and examine my folds. I particularly love the tingle my clit sends up my spine when I touch it. I decided to tease it with a feather. Nope. Don't like it. Back to the fingers. I make small circles on my clit with my finger, dip deeper inside of me, then coat my love button with my juices. I like the way it feels wet, slicker. I alternate shapes, speeds and levels of intensity. I bring myself to an almost seated position, panting in pleasure, fighting for something magical, but I can't fucking get there. There is an aching for something deeper. I decide to get in the shower to find it. I take the cucumber with me.
Underneath the cascading water, I rub myself all over. I pay attention to every part of my body that tingles in a "special" way. I find my hands on my clit again. I decided to use my other hand to explore my insides. It's wet and warm and spongy. I can feel muscles contracting on my finger, almost holding them inside. I don't see what all the noise about. I decided to run the cucumber under the water, then use my fingers coated with my own juices to lube it up. I drop down to a squatting position. I have the cucumber basically standing beneath me. I lower myself on top of it. Ow. It hurts. But in a warm fuzzy way. I take more and more of the cucumber in me. My body writhes from the pain, but curiosity keeps me going. As I begin to move the cucumber inside me a second time, the tingle in my spine returns. At this point I am lying on my back with my legs in the air. I begin moving the cucumber in and out more frequently, with more need. I let my other hand slide back to my clit and try to match my rhythm. I start climbing that mountain again. Hopefully this time I make it to the peak.
Somewhere between my fingers and the cucumber yet deeper I find myself. My body seizes with delight. I finally achieve the mysterious orgasm I have always heard of. And the most beautiful part, as I rode out the orgasm, just to see what happens, the sweet buildup returns and I'm sliding back down that peak within a few minutes. I just keep going and going until I couldn't take anymore. I found myself in the shower that night, with a cucumber. And I've been finding myself all over the house with everything I could find ever since.
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