The Quickie Chronicles - Speed Dating

I've been single for 10 months now, and I will admit that I'm getting kind of lonely. I've gone through the whole "I'm in love with myself!" phase, but there's only so many ways one can masturbate, you know? My forearms are rock solid now, I keep running out of lotion and clean tube socks, and now my fleshlight just doesn't do it for me anymore. It's gotten so bad, that I wear different kinds of gloves (i.e. oven mitts, latex gloves, baseball gloves, etc) just to create a different sensation. Enough is enough. I'm going to get back out here, and meet someone new. Aha! I know just the perfect place to go....

Speed Dating. A face-paced environment, where you only have about 7min to win someone over within a conversation. But see, that 7min really breaks down to 2min for me, 2min for her, and then we share the last 3min. I'm no minute man, but 2min, and then a share of a 3min convo was more than enough time to catch a girl's attention. My ex (that stupid tramp) and I met in line at McDonald's. Here's how that convo went:

Me: "I'm going to tear these fries up!"

Her: "Yeah, I like when they're hot and salty."

Me: "Let's have sex in the Playplace."

Her: "Okay."

I'm just confident that a few words from my mouth can lead to a few strands of pubic hair between my teeth. So, I get up, shower, throw on some clothes, and head to the venue. Once inside, I grab and fill out my name tag. "Hello, My name is 'Available.'"Nah, that sounds too desperate. *throws name tag away* "Hello, My name is 'One'" Yeah, and then I'll start off by saying, "Girl, you don't need a ton of guys. All you need is One." It's lame, but girls like lame these days. The host officially begins the event, and I sit down at table #6: Stacey.

Me: "Good Evening, Stacey. It's truly a pleasure to meet you."

Stacey: "Hello, One...I don't get it?"

Me: *licks lips "Girl, you don't need a ton of guys. All you need is One."

Stacey: "Lame. but cute."

Me: "Let's have sex in the bathroom."

Stacey: "No, but I'll give you a hand job."

Beggars can't be choosers, right? I follow Stacey into the Women's restroom [which was quite nice], and she walks into the ADA accessible stall. I pull out my penis, and she bites her lip. She winks at me, and reaches for something in her purse. Vick's Vapor Rub? Stacey scoops out a handful, and starts rubbing it on my penis. It hurts so good, and my knees begin to shake from the overwhelming sensation. However, after the 7th minute, my penis was completely numb. I should've just stayed home.